what my 21 year old self should know.

life happens. and dreams can be postponed, indefinitely.  you don't give up just because you thought it's your time and it didn't panned out like it should have.


you will leave your hometown once you turn 21. you will meet a lot of people. you will be fortunate as most of them will be your friends. you won't be happy with work. you will feel that taking calls is beneath you. i mean come on, a three paged resume should get you somewhere right? posting that resume in Jobstreet.com.ph will only get you calls from call centers. you will not be a researcher, a writer or a lawyer.


you will think that you must quit. this job. this life. of failed dreams and endless calls. 


yet artificial lights and coffee will keep you going. insomnia will no longer be cool.Post college grunge, call center dissatisfied,  you will be emo, way before it became pedestrian. and this will do things to your head.  nasty dark thoughts will plague you. and you won't sleep, rather you can't sleep. you will only take power naps. when you clock in at 12mn est, you will wish that its already 9am est. and when finally its log out time you will head to the mall. you will spend long hours in powerbooks, because you think that your job is killing your brain cells due to disuse. and this will make your insomnia worse.


you have always been curious. you will do what your precocious mind conceived since you've hit puberty. you will meet up with guys. waking hours will be spent texting. or sexting. sex will happen. pre-shift, post shift. rest days. even if you are with friends, you will come up with an excuse to go to that guy who gave you the booty call.


 you will have sex with the same sex.


its gonna be fun. and depressing. because it is. you will not be happy because life in the closet is sad. though high fives with your straight guy friends are fun, you will feel that being gay is sad because you are the odd man out.you will continue to pretend. afraid that your friends will leave you. some of your family members  will make a big deal out it.and you will opt out of it. it will be blocked, filtered. who needs reality when you don't even live in the same timezone with the people that you think should understand? you will have your candy. toys that will say i  love you too. the same toy will not text you back after two  weeks. you will feel sad. good thing you have that gay confidante, the only person whom you think knows about "you". you will go thru denial, bargaining and all that seven steps of grief. you will not skip a phase. your honeymoon starts with a new boy. and eventually it will end. just like before.


then you will meet the boy that you will take for long walks. at first he will protest. he doesn't like the exposure to the sun. he will make excuses. but you will persist. you'll have your first date in a cemetery. you will pick aratilis together. and only him will eat it. because it made you sick when you were little. by far this will be your longest and sweetest serving of honey and the moon. you will think that living after the age of 40 is possible. he will be the reason to get out of that closet. when that happens you will realize that people are now more accepting. you will not alienate your friends. its liberating, no matter the cliche.


you will get your first taste of getting axed from your job. corporate shit and corporate clients are demanding. and its your head on the block this time. last paycheck and separation pay will be enclosed in an envelope. same envelope will be taken by your gay and super campy housemate. as you are not confrontational you will not confront him. you will follow the suggestion of your landlord, go to the local manghuhula. you will pay him a hundred and nothing will happen. the alleged thief will continue to be entertaining. you just don't have the balls or the heart to tell him off. 


you will continue switching jobs. all of it are on night shift. all of it will leave you dissatisfied. so you become a mediocre employee. an effortless employee at that. you make a work related blunder. you will be turned in by a friend to HR, no confrontation just on the spot resignation.


you'll have your training for three months at the suckiest call center by the bay. you will leave after four months. it has everything that you don't like. you will be on a crux. now what? its teenage angst plus quarterly life crisis on overdrive. don't throw yourself on the 9th floor just yet. Fate will intercede.


you will get that Wall Street job. you will face death prematurely. you will be stretched, because you have always been effortless, this will throw you off track. but you will pass the two exams. Gordon Gecko is the new LMM. 


uptick. downtick. margin call. risk. its a trade.


politics will only be viewed as a catalyst. here's hoping that something will happen. market is down! buy low! Buy Now. so Gloria on neck braces happened. Impeachment is still happening. PNoy the Abnoy  will continue to happen. and so the uptick that you are waiting for is still waiting to happen.


you will be earning more than the amount in order to silence your complaints. so life will be sweeter. work will no longer be stressful. money makes the world go round. yeah lots of it.


you will look back. the stress finally paid off. book of complaints, its full and its time to discard it. had you been a quitter, you wouldn't have gotten this far. you would have always bailed out. you will thank your parents, for raising you the way that they did. you will see the silver lining. in fact you will be nicer to everyone. 


everybody loves a winner. you will unconsciously tap into your sleeping arrogance. you won't argue anymore. because in your head, its done. its resolve. you will probably be the biggest asshole that there is. passive aggressive. either way, you're getting it. you will think that patience is for those who doesn't have a choice. 


your dreams will slowly slide into reality.


risk. benefit. rewards. consequences. its a trade.


change? you change. you make the system work for you. opportunity abounds in chaos. 


now, would you still want to grow up?